away we go!

1 hour and 27 minutes before the team is meeting on campus in the Ross/Bauman parking lot.

Then to PDX for tickets and checking luggage.
Through security to the terminal.
Wait.
Flight to LA at 5pm.
Dinner in LAX.
14 hour flight to Brisbane.
Customs at some point.
Day in Australia: koalas? Beach?
Overnight at host homes.
Flight to Port Moresby.

And we're there.

Officially, we'll arrive in Papua New Guinea on the 7th of May, which will technically be the 6th here since we'll flight right over Cinco de Mayo. We'll be 6 hours ahead, in terms of jet lag. The wall of humidity (currently at 95% in Port Moresby) will knock us on our backs as we step off the plane; the bugs will be big, the air hot, the language unfamiliar, and the faces much tanner than our own.

I can't believe today is the day. I'm still not prepared, I'm not ready, I didn't do any research, I didn't read enough, I didn't study the language or the culture. I need more time. And yet, me being who I am, I always need more time. I never feel prepared. So the thing to do is go.

Go fast, go far, go strong. Be brave. Eyes wide, heart wider, and mouth closed so that ears can open. Step out with faith and love, smiles and laughter, and kindness that needs no words but instead shines.

I'm super scared. I had trouble falling asleep; I woke up far too early this morning. Stephen, Jessie, and I have been racing around Newberg, getting snacks, sending letters, making copies. The apartment is clean for our return; leftovers are out on the table for lunch. Bags are packed, mine clocking in at a light 38 pounds. We're all set to go. Except that I'm scared.

We're supposed to bring our patience along, said Rhett. We're supposed to hold our plans loosely. We're supposed to take things as they come. I'm not good at any of those things. And I have no idea what to expect, except at some point apparently some body painting and (topless) tribal dancing around a fire until daybreak.

I'm oh-so-afraid, but I know this will be the biggest adventure of my life thus far. I don't put myself out there very often, but I have no choice now. I'm leaving in 1 hour and 17 minutes, and I'm not coming back the same woman. I'm hopeful of that.

I know God has prepared this for me. Know why?
Because I got the Richters Grant and I didn't have to pay for this trip.
Because my job to do is what I love best: write.
Because three of my closest friends will be with me.
Because there are missionaries from Grace Baptist in Calgary that are in PNG right nowwhich my mom found out the week after I got the grant.
Because I got Chacos for $35.
Because I got to write a script for our team.
Because I have people praying for me.
Because my mother emailed me and told me that she is proud of me, and to go and blossom into more of who I was created to be.
Because Jon Acuff wrote about God not needing me.
Because Pastor John's sermon yesterday was about living in God's peace through prayer and release, no matter what comes my way.
Because Omi sent me $150 for everything I needed.

Because the Kelm family verse this year is Jesus' words in Mark 6:50, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

I do not need to be afraid. Because this trip, this is Jesus. Jesus will be in every face I see, every experience I have. Because Jesus is present, with me, alongside of me, within me, throughout me, and covering me, I do not have to be afraid. And I will take the courage of my Saviour as I go, and write, and cry, and laugh, and sweat, and sleep, and sing, and walk, and learn, and grow, and change.

Pray me there, my dear and loving friends. Pray me home. And pray for transformation and safety along the way.

PNG, here I come.
(PAPUA NEW GUINEA, HERE I COME!)

1 hour and 4 minutes. Ready or not, here I go!

insights.

There's this blog I frequent titled "Stuff Christians Like," written by the very funny Jon Acuff. The site is a blatant rip-off of the successful "Stuff White People Like" site, but has a wonderful satirical tone that both pokes fun at the Christian subculture, while also celebrating and questioning why this subculture functions the way it does. It's written by someone on the "inside," who both smirks at Christians while proudly claiming the title. It is one of the funniest thing I've ever read, which is why I visit the blog daily.

Every so often, Jon writes a personal blog that isn't humor-focused, but instead relates what he has been learning in his own spiritual life. I've found that these insights often speak to me profoundly and have some relation to where I am in my own spiritual jaunt.

Most of the blog titles are numbered and detail the stuff Christians like. A post from last week was titled "Thinking God Needs You." Jon, as a writer finishing his first book (based around his blog concept), has been blogging about the whole process. Here's part of what he wrote:

"I started to get fearful about posting on the site and writing the book because I didn’t want to mess up whatever it was God needed me to do.

In the midst of that time, God reminded me of a powerful truth, “He doesn’t need me. He loves me.” There’s a big difference between those two things.

Need is a partnership.

Love is a relationship.

He doesn’t call me on this adventure called life so that I can, with my deep pools of awesomeness, release some sort of handcuffs He’s wearing. He calls me on this adventure because He knows I love adventures and He enjoys seeing me do things I love.

The more time I wrestled with that thought, the juxtaposition of need vs. love, the more I began to think that I had this whole thing backwards. Maybe if I listened to God and was honest with Him He’d whisper to me:

“Let me be clear. I am God. I am complete. I do not need your additions. I want your work to be an overflow of love. I want to pour so much love and strength and truth into you that you cannot help but do things. Add to the world. Add to the people around you. Overflow on them what I give to you. Not because I need you to do something but because you can’t help but go out and share the love I am overflowing in you."

Does God call us into big adventures that take us across the planet and across the break room at work? Without a doubt. Does He have a purpose for us that He loves seeing us fulfill in obedience? Certainly. Does He call us into those adventures because without us He can’t complete the work He intends? I don’t think so, because that would make Him an “almost god.” As in, He was almost able to tell people about His deep, ridiculous love for them online but He needed me to write the Stuff Christians Like blog first. Ha, that’s just silly."

This was something I definitely needed to hear (read?) at this moment. I've felt anxious and nearly stuck in my fear because of my uncertainty about what I'll produce after this trip. But I truly believe the only reason I'm going on this trip is because Jesus wants me to go. How else would I be able to go overseas to Papua New Guinea, get paid to go, and be forced to do the thing I love? And because of that, I don't need to be afraid. To quote Mr. Acuff again, "He calls me on this adventure because He knows I love adventures and He enjoys seeing me do things I love."

God doesn't need my words; he created them. He loves them because he loves me; he delights in them because he delights in me. He made me this way, a person who thinks and feels in metaphors and irony, in parallel sentences and creative essay structures. And to deny that part of myself would be to deny what God has created in me.

I love insights from unexpected places. Thanks, Jon.

[Read the entire post here: http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/04/527-thinking-god-needs-you.html]

2 days.

2 days. 2 days. 2 days.

And it still hasn't sunk in yet. That's slightly unsettling. I feel like it should be more real. I feel like I should feel something, anything. But instead I just feel tired, worn-out, emotionally exhausted. It's called "the end of the semester."

Still, I keep getting glimpses of the reality, that sick feeling in my stomach that is a mix of anxiety, appreciation, and excitement.

I had a glimpse when I turned in my Lit Crit paper last Friday, and the major stress of the semester was done.
A glimpse when the theatre department surrounded us and prayed for the entire team at theatre banquet last Monday.
A glimpse when I called my bank to tell them that I'd be using my ATM card in Australia and Papua New Guinea.
A glimpse when it turned May.
A glimpse when I had no more finals to check off my list.
A glimpse when I watched dear friends walk across the stage to get their diplomas today and I realized that they were done with college, school was over for the year, and I was getting on a plane in 48 hours.

I'm not sure what to think. I don't have any frame of reference for PNG; I have zero idea of what it's going to be like. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. But it is, and I know it'll be the biggest adventure of my 21 years. Thanks for going with me on this adventure; I'm stronger because you're behind me.

I really need to start packing. Really badly.

Tomorrow.

the creed.

Right now, I'm sitting in Wood-Mar Auditorium watching my teammates rehearse "The Creed." We're in the theatre space, the place where a young girl arrived in New York in the 1920s to find love, the place where Harlequin watched women change genders to get the men they loved, and the place where three scenes showed broken people trying to put their lives together. This is our space, the only space where those in the theatre feel truly at home. Backstage are flats, leftover set pieces, table saws, ladders and paint cans. And we're adding our own story to this stage. That of the creed.

The first time I saw the George Fox University Players perform "The Apostle's Creed," it was a beautiful tangible explosion of culture and language. Represented was traditional and expressive, Spanish and French, sound language and sign language. It was a celebration of One God, many names; One faith, many tongues; One way, many road signs. The performers layered over one another, voice on top of voice, each saying the ancient words in a different way, creating a cacophony of praise. It was brilliant, in the lighted sense of the word.

And now we're doing our own version for our trip to PNG, with Pidgin and Arabic replacing Spanish and French. Languages we as team members speak, plus languages those we are visiting speak. A fusion. A messy, loud, jumbled confusion, speaking the name of Jesus. And it is the most beautiful sound - perhaps like what God hears at all times: the Creed in every tribe's tongue, even those that don't know his name.

We believe.

-- -- -- -- -- -- --

The Apostle's Creed

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:

Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost,
born of the virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, dead, and buried;

He descended into hell.

The third day He arose again from the dead;

He ascended into heaven,
and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty;
from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Ghost;
the holy catholic church;
the communion of saints;
the forgiveness of sins;
the resurrection of the body;
and the life everlasting.

Amen.

it's all about perspective, part 2

Welcome to all of the new people that are reading. Well, if there's anyone that's reading. :) I sent out emails to a great amount of people this weekend. I was ready to invite you on my adventure, because I know I can't do it alone. Be forewarned, though: I'm going to be honest and vulnerable about what I'm thinking, feeling, and experiencing. I might not always be nice; I might not always be excited or happy. But I'm going to try to be real, or as close to that as possible.

After sending out the mass email, I got a beautiful response from someone. Her insight touched me. She said,

"As you wrote about you anxieties the thought that came to my mind was... who really are you writing this project for? Yes, on one hand you are writing for a group of people that will review your work in relation to the grant you received, but on the other hand, may I suggest that as you write to listen to your heart, go with your gut instinct (discerning), write from your heart, for I think when you allow yourself to be vulnerable is when you find Christ and through that blessing are able to bless others and glorify God. This project was impressed upon you for a reason. As I found in reading your blog, when you write from the heart and are vulnerable it is beautiful. I hope somehow this gives you a sense of freedom and encouragement. You are truly a gifted writer. Have fun with it, soak in it, and experience all that you can :=)"

That was just what I needed. I know in my heart that there is a higher purpose for this project, but I never really connected that with my anxiety of authorship. I am writing for the committee, but I'm also writing for myself (that I may remember this experience for the rest of my life), for others (that they may know what I went through), and the God that lives within me (that he might be lifted up through my words, my song of praise). The pressure I'm putting on myself is truly just me putting pressure on myself. It's my fear of the unknown; not just concerning the trip, but also what I will produce from the trip. I can't say, "Well, I plan to write a 10 page segmented essay about this lady with a red bilum that I see at the marketplace." But I have to trust that the images - the people, places, and things - that I see on this trip are put before my eyes for a specific reason. And it is because God knows that he has gifted me with the love of words and the ability to put them together. And he knows that I will do for those images in the best way I know how. That's all I can do, and that will be enough for my true Audience.

it's all about perspective, part 1

This doesn't directly relate to PNG, but I just wanted to write about it. And I'll make it relate in Part 2.

So I've had kind of a horrendous 24 hours. Little things have gone awfully wrong, which made them bigger and badder that they ever should have been. But I've realized in the last hour, that it's all in how you look at things. And I'll give you these examples (bad event --> good outcome):

Yesterday:
--group meeting from Hell --> hard to find anything good from this, but I think I was the rock in the group, which made me more confident in my leadership and interpersonal skills
--going to a Strike at which I wasn't needed --> got to reconnect with some people that I saw daily during Triumph but haven't seen since; also met a few new people
--silent homework party --> got a lot done, and was able to just exist in a room of people whom I love
--up later than I would have liked --> finished reading my book in preparation for my paper

Today:
--had to take nasty medicine (extra to the Typhoid, Malaria) to keep me from getting traveler's diarrhea --> I won't get traveler's diarrhea
--forgot Jessie's coffee at home --> able to go to Fred Meyer to buy a frame that the office needed; also got to bring the coffee to Jess and vent to her (always nice)
--had next-door neighbor/mom look at me with concern when I came around the corner a little too fast --> was reminded that I need to drive slower in my neighborhood, especially in the summer
--spilled coffee on my skirt --> at least it was a brown skirt!
--accidentally insulted Robin Baker, my boss and president of this university --> well, at least he was good-natured about it
--had to call the IRS and be on hold for 15 minutes --> a nice man faxed me my tax transcript and told me that my tax return is coming next week; also got to check my mail and receive a wonderful letter from my wonderful grandma along with some spending money for PNG

See? All things work out for good. And heck, it is the most beautiful day outside. There's no way that I can be annoyed. Though I should, perhaps, be writing a paper...

cast of characters

Just so you know who I'm talking about when I talk about people:

George Fox: the guy our school is named after; mostly I'll use it to refer to the university (also I may use GFU or Fox).

Rhett: director, professor, genius. He lived in PNG as a little boy while his parents were missionaries. This is his first time back in 20 years. I worked with Rhett on the last mainstage production at GFU. Thinker, mastermind, time-oriented, mildly sarcastic.

Jere: executive assistant to the Vice President of Student Life at Fox. She lived in PNG about 15 years ago for a few years with her family. I work with her in the Student Life office, and she is a hoot. Loud, blonde, endlessly funny with a wicked humor and love for animals, travel, and cooking.

Todd: Rhett's dad and the reason we're able to go to PNG. He has quite a few contacts in PNG, and he's there right now, teaching. He's also an adjunct theatre professor at Fox. He loves PNG, loves Pigin, and loves to laugh. Intense like Rhett, he'll be a good help to us while we're there.

Jessie: roommate. Junior. Nursing major.

Stephen: old friend. Senior. Spanish & Theatre double major.

Nicole: close friend. Senior. Spanish & Theatre.

Jordan: other token boy. Junior. Writing/Lit & Theatre.

Emily: fellow stage manager. Sophomore. Spanish & Theatre.

Karith: fellow writing/lit friend. Senior. Writing/Literature.

Cyndi: lover of the Beatles. Junior. Spanish & Theatre.

Whitney: sweet girl. Junior. Theatre.

And me. Sara: who-knows-what-she's-doing-here. Junior and a half. Writing/Lit & Psychology.