anxiety of authorship.

I never would have imagined a world where I would be succeeding at my gym goal and not at my writing goal. I just have hit such a dry spell in my writing in all arenas. Which is ridiculous, since it's the only thing that really makes me feel like me. Feel balanced, sane even.

I'm feeling pressure with this project, a sense of anxiety. There's so much about it that is just intense and scary. I've never had to write before. I've only ever written for fun, for sanity, for me. I'm barely at the place where I let others read my stuff, and 9 times out of 10 I don't feel it's any good. But now the Richter committee is putting thousands of dollars behind me, and they are expecting a return. I have to give them something, preferably worth of the five grand. Now I must create. And that scares me.

I never expected my proposal to be accepted. I never expected this chance. But I have it. Now what?

I'm anxious, too, about my writing as it relates to everyone on the trip. Few of them are writers, and they don't understand how narratives are crafted. I don't want anyone to be offended at my portrayal of them - or my nonportrayal. And I myself struggle with the line between fact and fiction. I suppose "real" writers don't worry about this; they let the chips fall where they may. But these are fellow students, adults I respect, friends. I don't want to alienate anyone; I don't want to hurt anyone with my writing. I want my words to bring life, but I also want to represent this experience in a way that resonates with humans who have never even heard of PNG. I'm just afraid those I travel with won't understand my art.

And I'm simply worried I won't be understood. That what I produce will not be up to par with the expectations of others. That I won't move anyone, be published, be recognized. I've never sought that before, truly for fear of being crushed. Now I've got to step out, be vulnerable.

This anxiety of authorship (to borrow a term from feminist writers Gilbert and Gubar) is my Achilles heel. And I'm showing it and praying that people will respect it and/or me enough not to shoot me. Because that may kill me.

For a person such as I who has almost too many future options, I need some direction. I'm hoping that is what this trip will do for me in some fashion. What I'm hoping is that it'll light a fire in me, not stomp on those smouldering coals that are already so weak.

These are some of my anxieties about the writing of this project. Simply the writing; I've got pletny of others about the trip itslef. But there's time for that. And writing these down made them real, made them solid and less amorphous, more distinct. And hopefully less scary.